I walk in the door and usually head straight for the TV. Turn that sucker on - all 4 remotes needed - and search for anything that will occupy my mind from myself. Doesn't work? Go upstairs and spend 10 minutes just looking at my Gmail Inbox - waiting for an email. Nothing? Okay, click over to facebook - no new messages. Hmmm.... Perhaps if I check every possible news website - ajc.com, azrepublic.com, cnn.com for any breaking news in the last 17 minutes. Nope. Still talking about Britney Spear's latest date with AA. Wait. Did the Hawks play tonight? YES! Crap - they loss. Ah... I'll watch the highlights on NBA.com AND espn.com. They're usually slightly different - showing different dunks and blocks by J-Smoove. After 30 minutes of doing nothing - I'll wander back downstairs and look for food - finding cereal (with no milk) and chips that go stale because I always forget to put the clip on. So then I walk back upstairs, and decide it's time for bed. So after a total of about an hour of doing nothing, I turn on my iHome stereo (since repaired from Solomon's adventure), set the snooze to 30 minutes, and go to bed listening to anything from Mmmbop to Dave Matthews, Eminem to David Crowder. Only until I wake up the next day for work.
It simply amazes me what I will do just to avoid having to be alone with myself. But it usually catches me around 11:30 at night, though - when my mind runs out of things to distract me from myself. Sometimes in my room. Sometimes in my truck. Sometimes laying down trying to go to sleep. My mind is rewinding the events of the day (or the events that never were). Sometimes it happens while driving home - and my mind was so busy thinking about the problems with myself that I forgot to turn the radio on and I realized that I had been driving for 15 minutes in silence. Go figure. I actually drove without music. Just me and my thoughts. It's in these times that I realize just how crappy of a person I am. The kind of person who gets too busy to remember birthdays of close friends and family. The kind of person who always has the good intentions to do something right - but can't seem ever to get around to it. You know... too busy updating my profile status on Facebook. "Michael is..... being a jerk."
I have lots of great books sitting on my book shelf - that I never read anymore. I have all the desire to serve others - which I don't "have the time for" anymore. I desire to help others grow in their faith - while my bitter past only surfaces to break down what they already do know just to pridefully reveal my own knowledge on the subject. I see the honest goodness in others - their sincerity, love, patience, and respect - and it seems as though I can never put into words just how much they inspire me. It's probably because I feel so ashamed of my own life. Instead, the words that come out are filled with mockery and skepticism of their true joy - declaring ignorance as the real identity of their feelings.
I can blame so many things on "problems" in my life. Until I finally stop believing that lie and realize that I am the only problem in my life. And I'll check Facebook 1,000 times just to avoid realizing that.
I need to change. God help me.
2 comments:
Love the post. I know exactly what you mean... the other day I was talking to someone about what exactly it is that I do at church that holds priority over work and other stuff. As I was telling this person what all I was involved in they asked me if I got paid to do any of it. I told them that I did not get paid that it was all volunteer work. Then they asked me if I'd considered going to a church that would pay me to do that stuff. I told them no because I didn't want to be in a mega church that had to pay it's people to work for them. That's not what it's about it. It's about the ministry and self sacrifice for the kingdom of God. Not getting paid. So after that, this person made it seem as though they were downplaying my church involvement and that it didn't really matter because I wasn't getting paid for it. I was very upset with them.
While reading your lastest note, it hit me that I do some of the every same stuff you do. I send huge amouts of my time with the TV on or doing things on the internet like checking facebook, but why-just so I don't have to sit in my room all by myself and oh wait maybe just maybe read a book, do a little homework that I shouldn't put off, or how about write those letters I've been telling myself to write for a good while.
However, at the same time being alone sometimes, is just what I need; just me and my thoughts. It's great to just take a deep breath and relax without a soul or other distractions such as the TV, radio, and internet. It's at this time that I stop and think about how blessed my life is; I woke up this morning, had food to eat, clean water to drink, a warm-dray place to stay, and so much more.
I believe that God only gives us obstacles he knows we can handle and while you are dealing with this-he will always be there and I'll be here if you need me to be. He is looking down and smiling-because of what you are realizing about yourself and how you have made me stop and think about my life in the same way. How you asked him for help-asking for help is a powerful thing that many people do not have the strength to do.
See you really did make me stop and think about how I spend my time when I'm alone. Why can I not just sit down and read? Why have I not wrote those letters to my friends? Am I there for friends and family when they need me the most? Thank you for opening up my mind. Sending a smile your way:) Take care of yourself Michael. May you find the help you are looking for, the strength to accept and use it, and know that God's love is always there. Have a wonderful day!
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